REALLY, WILL SMITH? REALLY?

Couldn't leave it well enough alone could you?

Remakes don't affect me too much (nor should they affect anyone for that matter), because I can just avoid them and pretend they don't exist. Still. Come up with some new ideas, why don't you?

Jaden Smith plays Dre, a skateboarding video game buff who is forced to move to China after his single mother (Taraji P. Henson) is forced to transfer to the China for work. Of course, unable to speak Chinese, Dre finds it hard to settle in, and gets beat up by the local bully. Jackie Chan plays Mr. Han (the Mr. Miyagi character), a maintenance man who spots Dre’s black-eye and offers to teach him both martial arts and Chinese, so he can defend against the students of Li Quan Ha’s Fighting dragon school of Kung-Fu.

Let's not and say we did.

But since they've already started, a few important questions come to mind immediately:

1. a) Will Dre (couldn't they pick a better name?) wear a badass shower costume to a party and get jumped by dudes in skeleton makeup?

    b) Will Mr. Han kick the shit out of all of them?

2. Will "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito play at any point during the film?

3. Will someone yell, "Put him in a bodybag, Johnny! Ha ha ha!" during a pivotal moment?

I bet I can answer those right now - no (to both parts), no way and not a fucking chance.

Damn you, Fresh Prince.

I BLOW PAST LOW CLASS

Anyone see these pictures? I got them from Block U.

That's Jamie and Kylie Wittingham (U of U football coach Kyle Wittingham's wife and daughter, respectively) leaving the game at LaVell Edwards Stadium a few days ago.

The guy in the BYU hoodie elbowed Jamie in the mouth and told her to "shut up" afterwards. See Kylie running away screaming? Good work, Cougar fans.

Maybe Max Hall's family did get treated like shit last year—which is unacceptable and a bummer. And maybe he did get made fun of on the internet for an entire season. But to go on record and call everyone at the U of U "classless" while your idiot fans are doing the same thing is just absurd.

Don't pretend BYU fans are above it. Obviously they are not.

Probably still have more class, though. I think God said so.

And one more thing...

I dislike him even more now that he's apologized. At least have the guts to stick by what you say.

THANKSGIVING, HUH?

"Here in Britain, of course, it's Thank Fuck We Got Those Weird Jesus Bastards On The Boat Day." - Warren Ellis

VALHALLA RISING

I'll be seeing this.

GLORY, GLORY REAL SALT LAKE!*

I'm guessing somewhere around 50% of the population of Utah will say this exact thing at some point tomorrow:

"I didn't even know Salt Lake had a soccer team!"

Well we do. And they're the MLS Champions!

I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I've been a Real fan from the beginning, because I haven't. I can't even pretend that I'm a huge soccer fan, because I'm not. There's a lot of things I dislike about soccer (like the fact that you can end in a tie, that the stoppage time clock goes up instead of down, etc.) but damn, that was a hell of a game!

I turned it on right before halftime because I was watching Curb Your Enthusiasm, which 9 times out of 10 will be vastly more entertaining than a soccer match. But I turned it on just in time to see Real Salt Lake tie it up and I was hooked the rest of the way.

It was kind of weird to see the Real listed as the Eastern Conference Champions, seeing as how Salt Lake is far, far away from the East. But I guess when an entire league only has 18 teams, it makes a little more sense.

The L.A. Galaxy have David Beckham and Landon Donovan, arguably two of the most popular players in MLS (and for one of them, the world) and were pretty much expected to take this thing easily—probably because RSL went 11-12-7 during the regular season. Only two other teams have ever won a championship with a sub-.500 record and they were both hockey teams. The Toronto Maple Leafs  did it in the 40s and the Chicago Blackhawks did it in the 30s.

During the entire shootout I was standing in front of the couch, and when Donovan missed the goal entirely, I got a little smile on my face. He's the captain of the team and spent the entire pre-season promoting a book where he bashed his more-famous teammate for not having enough heart and then he misses the goal altogether? At least Beckham made his shot.

That's what was going through my head as the RSL captain Kyle Beckerman missed his shot right after. Then it became kind of a moot point.

As it came down to what could be the last play, the TV camera showed the player from the back and the only thing I saw was the back of his jersey:

A big number 3 with the word Russell above it.

That's when the flashbacks started.

"No fucking way," I thought. "Not this again."

I can't be the only Utah sports fan that got the same feeling, can I?

But at the end of the day, he made the shot. Real Salt Lake won. Now it's time for the bandwagon to get a little heavier and a few more Real scarves to make appearances.

At least we've finally got a championship team in Utah.

And at least they're not called the Salt Lake Kickzz.

*I stole that title from the phrase that Casey always says after Manchester United wins.

YOUNG WIDOWS

This band was awesome.

2012

Of course I saw this movie. It was exactly what I expected it to be—completely ridiculous but pretty entertaining. Roland Emmerich has now managed to make the same exact movie three times. Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow and 2012 all have the exact same plot points, character archetypes, themes, beginnings and endings. And someone at the White House is always the bad guy. If only he'd listened to the warnings, everything could have been avoided!

This one had it all, too. First they drove faster than the earthquake behind them, barely outrunning it the whole time. Then they were able to board a plane and take off just in the nick of time as California crumbled beneath them.

Then you know what? They did the exact same thing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

And again in Las Vegas.

It was kind of like in The Day After Tomorrow when they outran the cold. Remember that? Jake Gyllenhaal can beat cold in a foot race. With wolves chasing him. While carrying a wounded friend in a sled.

That's probably how he became the Prince of Persia.

But you know what? As ridiculous as they are, I'll watch any of those movies any time they come on TV. Because what the hell else am I going to do?

READ MORE COMICS.

Seriously. Read more comics. It's not kid stuff and they're not all about superheroes.

Start here.

Try it out and go from there. You won't regret it. I promise.

GCA MIXTAPE: VOLUME 1

This is what I've been working on for the past little while. If you don't ever visit GrudgeCityActivities.com (my other blog), this will be available as a free download sometime later this month.

11 unreleased/brand new tracks from 11 of Salt Lake City's finest bands.

Check out the sweet cover, designed by my man Dan Christofferson. It'll be up soon.

"I'M OUT OF IT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, EVERYBODY GETS DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR."

I don't have this kind of money (and if I did it would be going towards that house I talked about earlier) and I'm not this big of a fan.

But damn, this desk is hot.

"IT'S ALL IN THE GAME."

This is the best show to ever air on television. Period.

VISIONS OF THE FUTURE, PORTRAITS OF THE PAST

Cheesy, self-important title, I know.

I'm a sucker for Retro and Retro-style art. I have numerous books full of old pulp and sci-fi magazine covers and a calendar of the same. Every time I go to a used bookstore, thrift store or antique shop, I always seek out the old paperback section and pick one out solely based on the cover artwork.

And one of the things that I love about Disneyland is all the old, retro posters they have hanging all over the park. If someone were to put out a nice, big coffee table book of all of these posters (or if they do and you know where I can find it—because I've looked all over the place—let me know) they'd make a killing and I'd be thrilled.

I also want to have a whole bunch of these framed and on display in my house. But first I need to get a house. Baby steps.

"HE'S NOT COMING BACK."

This movie is on TV way too often and I watch it every single time. I'm not ashamed.

But should I be?

NO RESERVATIONS - SCALPED REVIEW

From City Weekly -- The world is a terrible place full of bad people—and Vertigo Comics wants to keep it that way. In its nearly two-decade existence, Vertigo has given readers the epic — and sometimes disturbing — tales of Preacher, Transmetropolitan, Y: The Last Man and 100 Bullets. Sadly, all of them have ended, leaving a gaping hole where those flagship titles used to be. Luckily for everyone who reads comics, though, Scalped has stepped up to claim its rightful place at the top.

A crime comic through and through, Scalped focuses on the fictional Prairie Rose Indian Reservation in South Dakota, and the down-and-out characters who are doomed to a life of drugs, abuse and ridicule. Dashiell Bad Horse escaped the downtrodden life of “the rez” years ago but finds himself right back in the thick of things again—only, this time, with a whole new perspective. Bad Horse is an undercover FBI agent gathering information on the chief of the Oglala tribe, Lincoln Red Crow. Red Crow is the head of the police force on the reservation and also a wealthy mob boss. He’s under investigation for his involvement in the murder of two federal agents in the ’70s, when Red Crow was a militant Indian American activist alongside Bad Horse’s mother, Gina. Bad Horse is tasked with infiltrating Red Crow’s crew to help build a case against him. Of course, as with every great crime story, things are never that easy, and for every minor victory notched, a crushing defeat isn’t far behind.

Taking inspiration from the true story of imprisoned American Indian Movement activist Leonard Peltier, Jason Aaron takes this story down one dark alley after another. Corruption, greed and loyalty all come into play, giving the story a film-noir feel with Indian casinos, badlands and meth labs standing in for the traditional noir staples of seedy bars and big cities. Artist R.M. Guera embodies the dark tone of Aaron’s writing to the fullest extent, giving everything a dirty, gritty feel. The colors are washed-out and shadows loom in nearly every panel. Even when the story takes place during the day, it still looks as if the sun isn’t quite bright enough to get anyone out of the darkness.

While the story focuses on mostly bad things on the reservation, Aaron and Guera find ways to illuminate the quiet moments that make any good story compelling. The heartbreak and tragedy that most of these characters experience is realized through the powerful storytelling of these two relative newcomers. As long as they keep shining that light on the dim corners of Prairie Rose, Scalped will be welcomed among the Vertigo pantheon.

SCALPED
By Jason Aaron and R.M. Guera
Vertigo

InBrief
Die Hard: Year One
Finally, the origin story that no one asked for! Ever wonder what life was like for John McClane in New York City years before the incident at Nakatomi Plaza? I sure didn’t—and I’m probably not alone. The involvement of veteran writer Howard Chaykin made this an interesting project, but the reasoning behind it makes no sense. It seems as if Chaykin had a ’70s cop story ready to go and simply changed his protagonists name to McClane when the opportunity presented itself. It’s good they didn’t try to shoehorn in a silly origin of “yippie ki-yay” but there are still a few issues to go. (Howard Chaykin & Stephen Thompson; BOOM studios)

Ignition City
The idea of “retro future” isn’t a new one, but Warren Ellis finds full potential in Ignition City. It’s 1956, and personal space travel has become commonplace after World War II was interrupted by a Martian invasion. Taking influence from Buck Rogers and Deadwood, Ellis throws a good old-fashioned whodunit mystery into a setting where unregistered laser pistols and broken-down space ships are normal. Originally projected as an ongoing series, it was cut to a mere five issues, and it would be a shame if that’s all we’ll get. There’s too much great stuff to not expand on it further. (Warren Ellis & Gianluca Pagliarani; Avatar.)

"I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET ROBBED*"

The plane tickets have been purchased and the inaugural Gentlemen Explorers Club adventure commences in May. Peru and Machu Pichu, here we come.

*Richard Foard's only stipulation for going on the trip.

SPACE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS

Way to ruin the fun, NASA.

From Breitbart.com -- The world is not coming to an end on December 21, 2012, the US space agency insisted Monday in a rare campaign to dispel widespread rumors fuelled by the Internet and a new Hollywood movie. 
Sony Pictures's latest big screen offering "2012" arrives in theaters on Friday, with a 200-million-dollar production about the end of the world supposedly based on myths backed by the Mayan calendar.

The doomsday scenario revolves claims that the end of time will come as an obscure Planet X -- or Nibiru -- heads toward or collides into Earth.

The mysterious planet was supposedly discovered by the Sumerians, according to claims by pseudo-scientists, paranormal activity enthusiasts and Internet theorists.

Some websites accuse NASA of concealing the truth on the wayward planet's existence, but the US space agency denounced such stories as an "Internet hoax."

"There is no factual basis for these claims," NASA said in a question-and-answer posting on its website.

If such a collision were real "astronomers would have been tracking it for at least the past decade, and it would be visible by now to the naked eye," it added. "Obviously, it does not exist."

"Credible scientists worldwide know of no threat associated with 2012," NASA insisted.

Initial theories set the disaster for May 2003, but when nothing happened the date was moved forward to the winter solstice in 2012 to coincide with the end of a cycle of the ancient Mayan calendar.

But NASA insisted the Mayan calendar in fact does not end on December 21, 2012, as another period begins immediately afterward. And it said there are no planetary alignments on the horizon for the next few decades.

And even if the planets were to line up as some have forecast, the effect on our planet would be "negligible," NASA said.

Among the other theories NASA has set out to debunk are that geomagnetic storms, a pole reversal or unsteadiness in the Earth's crustal plates might befall the planet.

And while comets and asteroids have always hit the Earth, "big hits are very rare," NASA noted. The last major impact was believed to be 65 million years ago, spurring the end of dinosaurs.

"We have already determined that there are no threatening asteroids as large as the one that killed the dinosaurs," the space agency said.

WELL, WE ARE #1

(stolen from @ckamrani)

"GET IN THAT ASS, LARRY!"

The next season of Curb Your Enthusiasm should just be the Larry and Leon Show. Pure genius.




“Black man doin' his thang, baby! Barack Obama motha fucka! Barack Obama! I’m the President of hitting that ass!”

BEST OF...

I have a sketchbook that I bought a long, long time ago that has no drawings, sketches or even doodles in it. I bought it way back in the day when I convinced myself that I had some semblance of artistic ability and the only way to get better was to practice.

Then, reality kicked in and I realized that I couldn't draw a straight line if I had a ruler. I am a terrible artist. Writing, I can do. That comes easy to me. Drawing or painting? Not so much. When I finally made peace with this, I couldn't figure out what to do with the book. I didn't want to throw it away, but there was no way in hell I was going to draw in it. What if someone found it? That would just be embarrassing.

So what I did was I just listed all the movies I had seen that year. It became kind of like my movie diary—only without the commentary. This was before blogs were big and the only internet knowledge I had was e-mail, so I just wrote the date and title down. I figured that at the end of the year, when someone asked the inevitable question, "What was the best movie you've seen this year?" all I'd have to do is consult my little book, make a few judgements and I'd be done. And this way, I wouldn't forget seeing something.

I was looking through it the other day, and since we're in a bit of a lull before the big holiday movie rush, I decided I'd pick my top 5 for the year—so far.

(These aren't in any particular order yet, mind you. Just my 5 favorites. The ranking will come later. That's what blogs are for, right?)



UP - I love anything and everything Pixar does and this was no exception. Just a damn fine story.






BRONSON - This one caught me totally by surprise at Sundance. I hadn't heard anything about it and was enthralled the whole two hours. Tom Hardy gives an amazing performance and it's just oozing with style.





STAR TREK - This is what a fun, summer movie should be. I've never cared about Star Trek before in my life and I didn't want this movie to end.






WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE - This is exactly what I wanted this movie to be. The music, the way it was shot, the performances—it all just worked perfectly for me.





A SERIOUS MAN - The Coen Brothers do very little wrong in my book. I've loved (nearly) everything they've ever done—The Ladykillers excluded—and I think this ranks up there among their best work.



There's still a lot more movies coming out this year, too. I'm curious to see where these end up come the end of next month, but I wouldn't be surprised if this list doesn't change much (if it does at all).

SCALPED

If you like comics, read this book. I've heard good things for a long time and I finally got around to picking it up.

Two words—Holy Shit!

I wrote a column about it for City Weekly the other day, so hopefully that will show up in next week's issue (and it's much more eloquently written than "holy shit," I assure you). Do yourself a favor and pick it up ASAP. Jason Aaron is making his mark on the Vertigo line the same way Ellis did with Transmetropolitan, Ennis did with Preacher and Azzarello did with 100 Bullets—all books you should read, by the way.

Here's the cover for Januarys issue #35. So awesome.

"You're so money and you don't even know it."

THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY IN HISTORY

Why, the invention of time travel of course.

November 5, 1955!